Don't Learn To Lead. Lead To Learn.
Dancing dancing dancing.
Dancing on my own at home. Dancing on my way to the train stop. Dancing on the train. Dancing in classes. Social dancing.
Finally getting home to sleep. Quickly understanding there's not a snowball's chance in hell I'll be able to sleep anytime soon.
Brain and body are overflowing with chemicals - serotonin, oxytocin, dopamine...who knows what else.
I spend the next two hours chatting with my close friend Ahto, talking about dancing and venting emotions.
OK, maybe sleep now?
I try to sit down and meditate. I close my eyes. 20 minutes pass in an instant. The only things in my head have been different patterns of combinations. And a never-ending rhythm. One-two-three-four. Five-six-seven eight. One-two-three-four...
Finally manage to get some sleep.
---------------------------------------------
Rewind a year, to June 2020
My friend Triina invited me to try out a class of a partner dance called zouk. I knew I love to dance, but dancing in pairs was something totally different, and seemed scary.
Arrived to the class, and immediately found out everyone had already years of experience. No worries, I'll brave through this. Sounds like a challenge.
Teacher showed the combo of the lesson, and we went around in a circle, trying to replicate the combination with each partner.
Half an hour had passed and I was thinking, "Oh wow, I'm already getting the hang of it. This is less complicated than I thought."
Right at that moment the woman I was dancing with turned towards me, looked me straight in the eye, and said:
"It's not a self-leading system."
Huh, what?
I blushed.
Ohh, so I need to lead all of this properly! I guess it's way harder than I thought.
---------------------------------------------
This marked the first step of coming out of the clueless phase and moving on to understanding what it is I suck at. Being consciously incompetent.
Still, the emotion I got from the class reassured me that I want to explore these dances further.
And I love learning. Now the only question was where to go, because obviously that class was way above my skill level.
I asked around from different friends who are dance teachers, about what partner dances exist and where I should go, and finally settled on committing to a month of bachata at Casa de Baile. Even managed to convince my lifelong friend Ahto Luuri to join me.
We had zero idea of the insane ride we'd be in for.
Tons of positive emotions - joy, awe, pride, confidence, gratitude, serenity, euphoria.
And the opposite - boatloads of insecurity, stumbling, fear and overwhelm.
Slogging through the Beginner's Hell period that nobody mentioned when I got started.
Still, anything worth doing is worth doing badly. And the bigger the barriers, the bigger the rewards behind them.
I have a ton of journal entries like this from the previous year:
"EPIC evening of social dancing. Women are saying that I should be more confident in leading and in my steps. That I know it all, just go for it. Don´t be afraid of making mistakes. I guess it's the same with writing, or with anything else. I tend to be my own worst critic. Today I wasn't apologizing almost at all. Was such a fun experience, and nearly ALL the women from our training were present."
---
"Dancing is wonderful! I'm completely engaged in it, exchanging touches and smiles, and being invigorated by it all. It's most definitely a step in the right direction."
---
"There are so many wonderful women in my life. Positivity and joy. I can hardly believe it. And I shouldn't take it for granted. When I love myself and do something with passion, then I infect others. And that's always been the story. Just do what makes you come truly alive. And dancing does exactly that! And squash does that. And talking, and listening deeply.""
---------------------------------------------
When I'd just begun to learn how to dance, I had the opportunity to dance with a much more experienced woman, who always had kind and encouraging words for me.
She was one of the dancers who filled me with confidence and inspired me to strive for excellence.
A few months passed, and I met her again on the dance floor. I'd practiced intensely every day, and wanted to show her my new moves.
I dug up everything from my arsenal. Combo after combo after combo. Great execution.
The song ended, and she said: "Wow! You didn't repeat any combination even once. But let's really dance now, shall we?"
I felt my face turn red. I smiled sheepishly.
I'd been simply going through the motions. The more I'd tried to do, the less I actually accomplished.
I forgot to really connect with my partner.
--------------------------------
Dance floor is the perfect sandbox for life.
The music is playing. You dance to put yourself in harmony, into a state of flow.
And how you do anything is how you do everything.
Leading on the dance floor is the same as leading at work, at home, in your community, or leading your Self.
The secret is to be completely engaged with what you're doing in the here an now. And instead of calling it work, understand it's play.
Instead of going through the motions, connect.
Be human.
Be confident, but also warm. Bold, but also vulnerable. A leader is an emotional beacon, who sets the standard that others align with.
Great dancers are great not because of their technique, but because of their passion.
Martha Graham
Dance on the frontier, on the edge of your capabilities. Play with the rules, not within them. Not everything will work out, and not everyone will resonate with you. That's ok.
The intention behind the moves is much more important than the moves themselves.
Dancing is what happens between the steps.
--------------------------------
How to master leading?
I think this applies as much to women as it does to men. I love to see women break the mold and express themselves in the dance. Both sides have an equal responsibility towards trying to connect and make the dance a great experience.
Strive to deeply understand simple ideas. Consistently practice the fundamentals, instead of trying to brilliantly understand the details.
Move with the least amount of moves, with minimal amount of friction and effort.
Listen to your partner! It's not about you. You are as good as you are with your partner. As good as you can make that person feel good and look good.
Avikk Parkour
I love how my teacher Virginia teaches dancing:
When you enter a room, enter like it's your home!
Stand up straight with your shoulders back, chin up, hands on your sides, and a smile on your face.
When you take a step, do it like you own the floorboards - with total confidence.
Talk about guidelines for life...
--------------------------------
Be present. Unsentimentally. Powerfully. Courageously. Generously. Truthfully. Consciously.
Don't learn to lead. Instead lead to learn.
And lead with love.
