My 6 Biggest Lessons From 2020
1) Connection is why we're here
One of my most powerful memories of 2020 comes from the first hours of the year.
2019 had ended on a deep low - a breakup with my fiancé, a struggling enterprise, and a falling out with one of my closest friends. I was confused and distraught, with no clue as to what was true, or what to do.
I had decided to go watch the New Year's fireworks on my own, to Freedom Square, one of the central squares in my hometown Tallinn. Large crowds generally make me anxious, but oddly enough I felt safe there.
I looked around. Fire trucks. Ambulances. Police cars. A powerful sense of gratitude washed over me - they were all there to be of service and provide a safe space for us.
The clock struck midnight. As I stood there in the middle of the crowd, watching the celebrations, I found myself thinking - Why do we all come together as one for only this brief moment each year? And why am I still afraid to connect? What is still holding me back from starting a conversation with any one of these people here? I'd often felt like an observer, in my own bubble, distancing myself just enough to avoid any real connection.
And for one brief moment it all came together in a flash of truth. My head, heart and gut aligned to let me know: connection is why we're here.
I hurried to my apartment and spent the next six hours writing my heart out to all the important people I had distanced myself from. Speaking my truth as honestly as I possibly could, and letting myself feel all the emotions that came with it.
2) Questions are the answer
Life is about learning how to live into better questions. The quality of your questions determines the quality of your thinking.
Asking questions from myself has been an integral part of my life since 2015 when I first discovered coaching. The two key components of coaching are deep listening and the ability to ask powerful questions. It’s essential to develop both the ability to listen to (and ask questions from) yourself, as well as really being present and listening to others, and asking powerful questions from them.
I’ve lost count of all the breakthroughs I’ve had because of coaching. It truly does miracles. I believe in it so much that I use every opportunity that comes my way - last year I got support from eight coaches, plus I participated in a coaching circle for most of the year. When I create clarity and space in myself, then I don’t become less afraid, but instead become more brave, to keep taking steps to really live up to my full potential.
I outlined the most useful tools that I’ve used to create clarity through questions in my first blog post - "How to have and maintain a balanced life? Questions are the answer"
3) Dancing can be a source of immense joy
In 2020 I rediscovered something - I love to dance. Dancing nourishes my soul and fills my heart with joy.
Jordan Peterson says that music models meaning, and that dancing is a metaphor for putting yourself in harmony, for positioning yourself properly. That’s one way to look at 2020 - seeking for harmony.
First half of the year was an exploration of more therapeutic ways of movement, such as open floor, 5 rhythms, ecstatic dances and festivals. I was looking for ways to connect with my essence.
And in July, one after another, came the partner dances of bachata, kizomba, and urban kiz.
I'd learned the basics of a variety of classical dances both in primary and high school, but they mostly didn't bring a smile to my face. I was frozen stiff, scared of the girls, and of making an embarrassing wrong step. The rare times when I did get a wonderful emotion was when I danced with someone way more experienced than me. I led some move, and then invariably something magical and unexpected would happen - some flashy styling, an intense look, or some other great nuance that made my heart beat a lot faster.
They had understood something that I now see couples dancing is all about: it's NOT about showing that you are a great dancer - it's about making the other person feel like an amazing dancer. And to smile, to be really really present, and make him/her feel truly seen. So many lessons about leadership in a new form.
I would've never believed that dancing could give such a high, day after day. Often the classes were followed by social dancing events, as we were all extremely privileged to carry on living normally during the pandemic times. It was really difficult to fall asleep, with a whole bouquet of chemicals coursing through my veins - the natural drugs of oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin and endorphin that Simon Sinek keeps talking about. When I did finally fall asleep, it was often with a sense of deep gratitude.
4) Creativity is a choice
I had long thought about writing publicly, but never took decisive action. I kept judging myself as not worthy enough. I kept thinking that I don’t have any original ideas, and that I should only create something when it’s of huge value to others. But in reality I can’t be the judge of whether something is useful to someone. And absolutely everything has been done before - it’s all a remix.
The lesson finally fully clicked when reading Seth Godin, who claimed that non-creative behaviour is learned, and we're all born as creative geniuses.
I had always told myself that I'm not a creative person. I thought it's someone who stands in front of a blank canvas, and in a flash of inspiration creates the original artwork, poem, or a novel.
It’s nothing of the sort. It’s a conscious choice to commit to practice, day in day out.
In the words of Seth:
Lost in all the noise around us is the proven truth about creativity: it’s the result of desire—the desire to find a new truth, solve an old problem, or serve someone else. Creativity is a choice, it’s not a bolt of lightning from somewhere else.
There’s a practice available to each of us—the practice of embracing the process of creation in service of better. The practice is not the means to the output, the practice is the output, because the practice is all we can control.
The practice demands that we approach our process with commitment. It acknowledges that creativity is not an event, it’s simply what we do, whether or not we’re in the mood.
So, I committed to the practice of shipping creative work.
5) A sense of safety and social connection is a central component of healing
The concept of trauma is widely and thoroughly misunderstood in our society. American Psychological Association defines trauma as “an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape or natural disaster.” This could be called Trauma with a capital T. But what about "trauma" - a lesser version of this?
In reality almost everyone has trauma in their lives, and all of us are suffering from collective trauma - scars passed on to us over generations of suffering from wars, genocide, famine, dictatorships, and so on.
I spent half of 2020 diving deep into my own themes of codependency, avoidant behaviour, trauma bonds and emotional addiction, thoroughly realizing how I had been acting out the dramas of my childhood. But there wasn't absolutely anything even remotely similar to a Trauma. Instead, there was neglect, which is something that we've all experienced a lot in our lives. And it has almost nothing to do with who raised us - they were doing the best they could.
But the result is that all the unresolved issues are frozen in different parts of our nervous system, and a lot of energy is spent on keeping them on ice.
After exploring so many different fascinating and useful methods of healing and therapy, I came to the same conclusion as Mark Manson:
What’s important is simply getting a person in a room regularly to talk about their problems to another human being. That’s the 1% that drives 99% of the results. The value of therapy isn’t the therapy. It’s the context. It’s the environment. You’re paying to have a place to go where you can sort out your shit in front of someone and not be judged for it. Everything else - the fancy acronyms and degrees and frameworks - seems to merely be an excuse to get you into that room and into that social context.
There’s no one right way to work through my issues. But it’s my own responsibility to intentionally create the environment I inhabit. So I’m committed to exploration. There’s a lot I’ve hidden from myself. And so has everyone else.
6) The most important work you can do on this planet is to know, love and accept your Self for the glorious being you are
I posted this a few months ago on my Facebook wall, after battling with myself for months to summarize and put in writing the essence of the wild ride of recent years. Finally, with huge help from my coaches and mentors Duncan Coppock and Ivar Lukk, I got over the mountain and committed:
I have been living a life of great privilege.
I find myself at a loss for words. There´s nothing I could say or do to convey the whole experience of my life, but I will make an attempt to capture the essence of it, and some of the learnings so far.
I feel deep gratitude for all the people who have helped shape this path.
Last two years have been a treasure trove of experience, and I’m still in the process of integrating it all. I feel appreciation for the opportunity to live the life that I have right now.
I love my life, and I love living in the paradox. I could easily put together a narrative in which I describe how fucked up things are, and which problems I have to deal with, or had to deal with. Of bankruptcy and loads of debt. Or of heartbreak and broken relationships. Or of codependency and emotional addiction. But I choose not to, and have a different take on life.
I've been wrong about pretty much everything. And that seems to be a part of the human experience - over time becoming slightly less wrong. At times it has been very difficult and confusing to piece the narratives together, but after many a-ha moments, emotional turmoil, and a time that felt like the dark night of the soul I'm at a point where I'm willing to embrace the mystery that life is, without feeling the need to ´figure it all out´. In essence, I´ve been learning to love and accept myself, together with all my strengths and shortcomings. And I’m thankful for every step of the way.
I choose to trust life, and own up to my decisions. I choose to hear the music, and to dance, and play. To go through life effortlessly and with ease, knowing that what comes is supposed to come, as yet another experience and lesson.
The question for myself during the last year has been: what is my seed of the future, to nurture and nourish?
So, what have I learned?
Well...there’s nothing new under the sun. And deep down we all know everything we need to know. But the human has a fickle mind - it forgets. He needs to be reminded. He needs to feel and intuit these truths, not simply read them from books.
It’s an interesting phenomenon that when we consciously study, we mostly don’t learn a whole lot. But the real insight hits us on an idle Tuesday at 4:32 PM, while paying attention to something random. And then finally it clicks. A sudden moment of exceptional clarity, a flash of truth.
The most important work you can do on this planet is to know, love and accept your Self for the glorious being you are.
And your being is what matters. Who you are to other people. What you represent to other people.
I realized if I want to change anything in the world, I need to change it in myself.
I've learned to strive towards a life of love, joy and responsibility. I've learned that serving others is the key. And connection. A deep connection is what we all long for.
I've learned that shifting how I listen and pay attention is life-changing. It has completely transformed how I experience the people and world around me.
I've learned that my legacy is every life I touch, each day - whether it’s through something I´ve created, or an encounter with a stranger on the street, a co-creation on the dance floor, a chat with a colleague at work, or an intimate connection with a close friend or loved one.
What’s the currency of the future world? Who are the rich and successful? The metrics I use are well summarized with the words the entrepreneur Syed Balkhi:
Connection is the new currency.
Inner peace is the new rich.
Service is the new success.
Health is the new wealth.
And kindness is the new cool.
For me, it’s about balance. And by balance I don’t mean a tensionless and detached state, like a still lake on the foothills of a great mountain, peaceful and serene. But instead, a state of being, where there’s a balance between the head, heart and hands, and an ever-present connection to my deeper source. In other words - a balance of thoughts, emotions, and the courage to create the world, accompanied by a devotion to keep exploring my inner world and to embrace the mystery that life is.
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The last two years have been a life-changing experience and a massive transformation. But into who or what, it's still hard to say. Perhaps the birth of a citizen of the global community? A more mature version of me – someone who clearly knows what he wants to accomplish and takes responsibility for that, and is brave enough to be with strong and uncomfortable emotions. Somebody who doesn't look away from all the horrors that we have committed against ourselves, each other, and nature. Who lets himself feel, and acts. Like Rumi said – breaking the heart until it's open.
